london day 5 / 28.05.17

Today I had to check in to my new hostel. I do not like it. So if anyone reads this and can afford something better than Smart Russel Square Hostel, do yourself a favour and choose another hostel.

I walked around most of the day, to try to not think about how sad I was about the hostel. I ended up accidentally getting to Trafalgar Square. I had never been there before, but I really liked it. I didn’t think I would. But it’s really beautiful. With a lot of people making chalk drawings on the pavement, people singing, protesting and doing comedic things. It really was special.

After Trafalgar Square I accidentally (yes again) got to the Golden Jubilee Bridges, I think that’s what they’re called. From there I saw Big Ben and the London Eye. There were policemen walking around with these huge guns all around the area. In 2013 I was up in the London Eye, so I’m not really eager to do that again for another 10 years. But I had never seen the Big Ben up close. So I decided to walk over Westminster Bridge to see it. Really I had never cared much for Big Ben, I thought people were kind of stupid going to London to see a clock. But when you’re there, it really is magnificent. I feel dumb for ever feeling different.

It also rained for the first time since I got here. So that was fun. I really love rain.

Longer video for a long day!

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london posts/vlogs

At the second hostel I’m staying at the wi-fi is really bad. Which is why I haven’t continued to upload vlogs. I have been filming though. So when I get back home to Sweden I will edit them together, and upload them with a post on my blog. Because even though I haven’t been able to upload any videos, I have written a little bit about my day.

See you in Sweden!

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london day 4 / 27.05.17

Yesterday I walked about 17 km. Not all at once of course. That’s more than I’ve walked any other day so far, and it honestly feels like I DID walk more the other days.

I did not really do anything special. I went to North Gower Street to see where they record 221B for BBC Sherlock, it wasn’t something I had planned to do on a Sunday. Since Speedy’s Café is closed. But I was just walking around and realised I was in the neighbourhood, so why not swing by? I will be going back though, when Speedy’s is opened. It’s only about a 15 minute walk from my hostel anyways.

I did also finally get the book I’ve been waiting for since January. The second book in the series of Six Tudor Queens. This one about my favourite queen, Anne Boleyn. So I’m very excited to sit in the beautiful London parks, in this nice weather and read my book. That was what I planned to do since I booked my ticket.

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london day 3 / 26.05.17

Yesterday I walked to this really good vegan place about 20 minutes from my hostel. I can really recommend it. The name was Vx.
From there I walked to Camden Town and had a vegan milkshake. Unfortunately I was kind of disappointed. But I might go back for an ice cream sandwich someday instead.

My evening was very chilled out, I sat in my room for most of it. But I did go down to waitrose for my “dinner”. There I found this amazing caramelized onion hummus. Wow it was so good.

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london day 2 / 25.05.17

Day two was calmer than day one.
I just ate some snacks in the park, walked around a bit along Tottenham Court Road. After that I sat in my hostel room for a few more hours than I planned too but that’s ok I think. I eventually decided I couldn’t sit in there for the rest of the day, I needed to do something.

So I went to see Mamma Mia att the Novello Theatre. I walked over there, down Charing Cross Road, saw a guy playing his guitar. An electric guitar, so I had no idea what he was playing. But you know, if I was brave enough to play my guitar without an amp by Charing Cross road, I would. So he was pretty cool I guess.

Before leaving to London, I had said to myself (for some weird reason) that I was not to go see Mamma Mia, because I know the story and everything. But even though it was only the second day I got a little bit homesick. And what better way to help me through those feelings, than listening to some of the best music ever (honestly) and also ABBA = Swedish. Yeah, you get it.

I’m glad I went for a couple reasons. The musical was amazing. Even better than Matilda (and I loved Matilda, so the bar is set very high already). It was just the energy of the performance and everyone knowing the lyrics to the songs. I did also have significantly better seats to this performance than I did when I saw Matilda. I could actually see the actors acting and not just blobs running around on a stage like they we’re at Matilda. That might be why I enjoyed it more. Reason number two was that I met two very nice Australian ladies. They we’re sat next to me and during the break and before the show started we talked. They found it funny that I’d walked everywhere so far (except getting from the airport). Hopefully they had a safe flight home.

It’s too bad that you cannot record anything at the theatre. Because you barely notice in my videos that I went to them. When both days, they’ve been the highlight.

I kind of regret the music for this video. But too late now! And I’m also not sure about me talking in the beginning. But I guess I’ll find out what I’m comfortable uploading when I continue haha.

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london day 1 / 24.05.17

Today I travelled to London, and even though I was tired after only sleeping for four hours, I still walked around Bloomsbury and Soho for a few hours. I will try to write every day. Mostly for me but you know, also my mom.

I landed right before twelve, and everything went very well. I got my ticket, sat on the Thameslink for an hour and then I walked from St. Pancras to my hostel. I got top bunk unfortunately. I slept for 30 mins and then I ate at this really fancy place called Burger King. I ordered their exclusive meal of french fires and a medium coke. Because I’m fancy.

After eating I walked around for about two hours, sat in a few parks, read a bit, bought a deodorant and a chapstick. Slowly the time crept closer to 19.00 and I finally got to go to the Cambridge Theatre to watch Matilda the Musical. It was very good, I highly recommend it.

After the theatre I walked home, and it must’ve been about 25 celsius still because I was maybe sweating a little on my 25 minute walk home.

I had a really good first day and I’m excited for day number two!

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Me at 13.03 on the 24 of May.

For the past 5 years or so, I’ve been afraid. Of everything really. I understand that it is useless to be scared of so many things and to be scared of things that I cannot control. But I think my fears lie in the feeling of not being able to know everything and control everything around me. I don’t know and will never know what can happen to me or people around me.

That’s why I decided I needed to travel alone to London. Now to you that might seem like a strange parallel to draw but, it makes a lot of sense for me. I’m scared of being alone, I’m scared of being away from my mother and I’m scared of having to take care of myself. So if I go to London, alone, make sure I eat and sleep and can travel to and from the airport. I will have proven to myself that I can do things alone. I am capable of taking care of myself. But also, I’m hoping, it will make me less scared of the world. At least to a degree. Because I have dreams that cannot be fulfilled if I am constantly afraid of the outside world. I need to get used to the idea and feeling of not being in control.

During the past few months I’ve started to do many things by myself and I’m very proud. As I should be. A big reason why I can now do things that maybe to you seem small and easy, is because of my DBT. It has changed my life and how I handle the outside world. I will forever be thankful to everyone I met through it. But that is over now, and so I need to keep challenging myself.

So here are a few things that I can now do, which I had trouble with before:
Shedule my own doctor’s appointment
Call the doctor’s office Sit and talk to the doctor by myself
Take a blood sample by myself
Go get contacts by myself
Call people in general
Make smaller decisions without consulting my mom
Look people in the eyes when I speak to them
Fly to London by myself. 18644477_10209244542887148_871063390_n

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Drunk Potterheads

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When I got home tonight the sun was already out. It made feel safe.

Tonight has been amazing, and also a disappointment.
I’ve made new friends and I’ve spent some time alone. But it was fun and worth it. And I’m proud of myself for talking to people I don’t know – even when it felt hard to do. The fun thing of tonight was the fact that I was surrounded with drunk Harry Potter fans, all dressed up in outfits. I’ve never been in a room with fans that are all over 18 and drunk, I’ve been to different Harry Potter things but under the age of 18 and more innocent get togethers. I was in my comfort zone and totally out of it at the same time.

My outfit was amazing, of course. I had my Gryffindor cardigan that I got at Hot Topic a few years ago. My time-turner I got off of Ebay over a year ago. Just a regular dress shirt from H&M and my Gryffindor tie, I have no idea where I got that from, I’ve had it since I was 13. I wear this outfit more often than you’d think and it’s always wonderful.
I paired it with a black skirt and black tights, but I wan’t to sew a dark grey pleated skirt.

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Today is May the 4th – which means the force is very much with me (as always). And not that I don’t wear my various Star Wars shirts all the time but now I feel like I really have a good reason to wear my favourite one of them (it glows in the dark guys!!!). The shirt is from Macy’s if I’m remembering everything correctly. I got it in the “boys” 8-14 yr section or something like that, at least we know now I fit an 8yr olds small t-shirt.

Right now I’m in my underwear laying in the grass but before it got TOO hot (we’re in Sweden and it’s actually sunny) I was wearing these awesome thrifted jeans that I have big plans for… I’m ripping them at the knees to match a pair of jeans I had when I was like six years old but I’m so in love with them, I am way to scared to just slice them open with a pair of scissors.

It’s warm and sunny outside. The weirdo cat I love is following my every step. It’s a long weekend and I’m going to my friends graduation party thing tonight (Hollywood themed and I’m going as a trashy version of my future self). I need to get ready soon but until then, I’m gonna lay here in the sun, listen to some music and pray to the old gods and the new that it doesn’t rain.

May the fourth be with you!
(also I’m having a Star Wars spam on my tumblr so go lookie at pottertastic)

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4 in the morning on a Tuesday

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bryggan där jag sprang som ett litet barn
nu ligger det bara ett cigarettpaket kvar

en sjö med blod på händerna
kan man tänka sig att en liten sovstad lät det hända

röda bussar som kommer och går
historia som har hänt precis där jag står

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